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How to Cook a Husband (I did not create this drek)

A good many husbands are utterly spoiled by mismanagement. Some women keep them constantly in hot water, others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by their intimidating ways and words. Some roast them, while others keep them in a constant pickle. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good if managed this way, but when treated properly they are really quite delicious.Be sure to pick your husband yourself as tastes differ and it is better to have, unless you will patiently learn how to cook him.A preserving kettle of the finest porcelain is best but if you have nothing but an earthenware kettle it will do with care. See that the linen that you wrap him in is nicely washed and mended with the required number of strings and buttons tightly sewn on.Tie him in the kettle with a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is likely to be weak. They are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned on the edges and become crusty if not attended to closely, as they must be cooked alive.Make a clear steady fire out of love, cheerfulness and neatness and set him as near to this as agrees with him. If he sputters and fizzles do not be anxious as many will do this until quite done.Add a little sugar to taste in the form of kisses. A little spice improves them but must be used with judgment and no pepper or vinegar on any account. Do not stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir gently, watching closely lest he lay too flat and close to the kettle, thus becoming useless. You cannot help but know when he is done. If so treated you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children and he will keep as long as wanted unless you become careless and set him in a cool place.

The famous “If You” email that went around the web,
yes this was also written by a woman.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you flagellate consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (I'm still not over the pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey I'm home. What the.....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity.)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

Reasons why a Slide Rule and Paper Pad are better than a workstation.

A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
A Slide Rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
A Slide Rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while completely submerged in coffee.
You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch or a change of underwear.
A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
You don't get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
A Slide Rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
You can hold a Slide Rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious person at the next seat over.
A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from hostile adolescents with telephones.
Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly and without needing to reconfigure everything.
Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper slide rule next month.